One finnish newspaper publishes a travel blog called 100 maata (100 countries). The main idea of the blog is to see if the woman will reach 100 countries or not. The name of the blog is a rip-off from a blog called 100 naista (100 women). That was quite popular and well written blog in Finland and it was about a man who made a bet with his friend if he could sleep with 100 women in one year. I stopped reading that when the man sold his blog to a women’s magazine with pink background.

On the lines of the many newspaper columns this 100 countries travel blog often tries it’s best to provoke people and get as much controversial feedback as possible. The latest post was about different kinds of travelers. There is no point on referring to that article since it’s in Finnish. Anyways so that you get the idea, some of her other post have been: “Am I a bad person if I don’t like Thailand” and “They don’t want hippies in Thailand”. Let’s just say that it reminded me of my intention half a year ago to try to categorize travelers. Since I’m a bit bored and at the right state of mind I might as well waste 100 minutes for this categorizing thing that I once ruled out as a stupid idea.

So let’s start generalizing.

7 different travelers

1. Corporative folks:

Example 1: Traveler with short time to travel. He is a wannabe rich capitalist who works for a multi-national corporation. He didn’t really want to go abroad but he feels bad because everyone else at the office is talking about diving in the Maldives and and seeing super romantic Taj Mahllalala, or what ever.

Example 2: Same as Example 1 but this guy isn’t wannabe anymore. He shows the wannabes what life can be if they work like him for 25 years. His got no intrest for the local cultures. He goes to Cuba to have sex with beautiful girls on the beach. On extended weekend vacation he flies to the major cities of Asia and USA and eats out at the most expensive restaurants.

Example 3: Secretary. She doesn’t earn that much but by extortion she is able to use her bosses skiing chalet when ever she feels like it.

2. Joe the Plumber
Example 1:  (age 20-34) You got to love this traveler. Depending of the continent he buys hetero straight flights to either Cancun Mexico or Canarian Islands Spain or as new addition, because of cheap flights, to Thailand. The week long holiday is spent accordingly: 5 days getting drunk including both flights and taxi ride home, 1 day not being able to drink because the boat excursion is giving Joe a horrible seasickness, and one day fighting with wife because she though lap dance from a waitress last night was the end of the world.

Example 2: (age 35-67) Exactly the same except Joe is traveling alone or with his Plumber friends, because wife left him. Drugs are replaced with viagra or expensive whiskey.

3. My school just ended. PARTYYY!
Example 1: Why do I even bother explaining this one. The headline should tell enough… Well anyway, these people get money as a present from graduating. The money is spent on a 3 month trip to the most exotic place possible. Of course this exotic place has to have good parties so most likely it will be Goa, Thailand, or some other cheap but at the same time cool place to be. Europe and USA are out of the question. Only some small niche groups might consider route 66 or ski season in Verbier as a destination. It’s obvious that the local culture is not the main intrest of the trip. It’s all about finding a surfing beach and having sex with a local girl/guy. If the person doesn’t get lucky he/she will lie and tell that he/she got lucky and it was the best sex ever and recommends doing the same thing if ever at the beach. All this happens while listening to Bob Marley.

Example 2: This one is just like Example 1 except he did the mistake of buying a return ticket too far into the future. He’s read the Lonely Planet and all his detective books, twice. He becomes bored and the drugs don’t do the trick anymore. He spends time in internet cafes and watching movies and tv. One night stands are fun but start taking too much effort so he starts relying on prostitutes. It’s easy life but secretly he is hoping to get back to home because everyone else are building their careers and getting rich and some even famous. 

4. I have to do all this fun stuff before I get old
Example 1: This guy is not leaving anything in the hands of faith. He’s got a careful plan of the destinations and activities he wants to do before it’s all too late. Everyone is already expecting him to settle down. The photos of the trip are constantly uploaded to Facebook to keep the opposition quiet and jealous. He might catch something of the cultures on the way but mostly the learning happens through Lonely Planet. There isn’t really much to tell about this travelers. It’s a performance trip, the thing he has to do before settling down, finding a job and buying an expensive car. At least now he can say that he saw whales and coloured people when his friends are comparing their wrist watches.

Example 2: The other option is pretty much the same. The difference is that this man hasn’t got a glue where to go or what to do. Again Lonely Planet will guide him if he gets stuck but other than that the entire trip is about facebook and being cool on the way. Duration of the trip depends… Either wedding or a funeral of a friend or family gives him the perfect excuse to go back home.

5. I don’t know who I am?
Example 1: This guy of course leaves his home only because he sees no reason why not to go. He can feel lost and confused at home or abroad. The good thing about traveling for this guy is that it’s a good reason to feel out of place. Usually he tries to travel as cheaply as possible so that he doesn’t have to go back home in a long time. After different religions and cultures he knows many things but those things don’t help him to blend back to his society and get a job so he ends up working at McDonalds selling his soul to the devil for 6 months of the year. After that he buys a new flight ticket and goes of again.

Example 2: This guy has the same background and after spending many years abroad the drugs and sun start taking the toll and returning home becomes the hardest part of the travel. That is why he eventually ends up running some remote hostel in the furthest corner of the world. Of course before this he was a scuba diver, bartender, fisherman, ski guide, chef, sailor, NSA agent, organic farmer and many other things that allow him to just tell the same stories to new people day after day. He’s given up on finding out who he is and just relaxes at his hammock.

6. Look at me! I’m saving the planet!
Example 1: Unlike the one who is searching for himself, this girl knows perfectly what is wrong with the world and has found the perfect NGO to make the world a better place to live. If only others lived like her, eating raw food and loving everything that moves. Of course all this goodness has it’s toll. She is a nervous wreck and can’t stand people that eat chocolate, horses and drink milk shakes. She smokes cigarettes all the time, takes no care of her physical condition and occasionally gets totally wasted and wakes up next to some random traveler but all that is just because she can’t stand stupid people around her.

Example 2: She is pretty much the same except her diet category is ‘Vegan’. Just like her raw food friend she doesn’t understand people who work from 9 to 5 and spent their lives in the cubicles chasing money only to realize that all that wealth means nothing when hard attack presents itself at the age of 45.

7. World citizen
Example 1: This guy has seen all the continents and knows everything about everything. He spends all his time in hostels and bars comparing experiences and trying to find out if there is something cool stuff still to do that he has missed on his travels. Of course he will never admit to others that what they have done sounds cool since he is the ultimate nomad, vagabond, master of salsa, speaks fluently 5 languages and knows the secret of life. Secretly he is afraid of getting old while other travelers around him change and thus stay young.

Example 2: Few steps down from Example 1 there is the future world citizen. He is more modest but just as eager to tell and compare travel stories and list all the countries, sights, activities and people he has met on the way. People who haven’t traveled as much and as far as he has, know nothing and don’t deserve his full attention.

7. I’m rich bitch!
Example 1: Then there is the weird traveler. He is the combination of them all. He only tells you of the present if he sees it fit. He worries of nothing. He’s seen many things and most of the time he sees no point trying to put it in words. He just smiles and listens. He is uncomfortable to many people because he shows no emotion or passion for things and people passing by him.
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So there you go. I hope you’re angry! This should be the perfect blog post. It’s got the ultimate TOP 7 travelers listing of the new millennium. It’s got putting people into categories, criticizing different groups of people, humour(?), self irony etc. Now all I need is for you to become extremely offended and tell your friends what an asshole I am and how I make stupid stereotypes of people.

You see the secret of modern news, blogs and all kinds of stories is that you just have to put disclaimer to everything you say. Phrases like: “people say”, “there are rumours” or “I was told” are enough to let you of the hook.

SO, my disclaimer:
Finnish weird ass humor + Everything I just wrote, I don’t necessarily think that way. I’m just coming up with stereotypes and generalisations and writing about them to become famous.